Laugh Out Loud

The teacher asks, "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dol¬ lars would you have?"   Vincent raised his hand and answered,   "One dollar."   The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."   Vincent said, "You don't know my father."  

Albert comes home, plops down in front of the TV and says to his wife, “Quick! Get me a beer before it starts.” She rolls her eyes and brings him a beer.   Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer. It’s going to start any minute now.”   His wife is furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Sit in front of that television drinking beer? You have to be the world’s laziest, most—”   He interrupts her with a heavy sigh. “Well,” he says. “It’s started.”  

A homeless beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in Beverly Hills and moaned, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”   The woman looked at him, sighed and said, “I wish I had your willpower.”  

Bob and Bill fly to Alaska for a fishing trip. They hire a bush pilot and rent a boat, rods and tackle. After two weeks, they’ve caught only one small salmon.   “Man, Bill,” Bob says. “Do you realize this lousy fish cost us about $2,000 apiece?”   “Wow,” Bill replies. “At that rate, it’s a good thing we only caught one.”  

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.   Later, he offered her a cigarette. “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again.   On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.   “Okay,” his date replied.   “What will you tell your Sunday school class?” he asked, shocked.   “The same thing I always tell them. ‘You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a good time.’ ”  

A young woman was describing her date to a friend. “After dinner,” she said, “he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that.”   “Then what happened?” asked her friend.   “He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,” the young woman responded.   “He didn’t weaken your resolve, did he?” the friend asked.   “Not a bit. In the end, we went back to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry.”  

Young man, where do you work?” the judge asked the defendant.   “Here and there,” said the man. “What do you do for a living?” “This and that.”   “Take him away,” said the judge. The man said, “Wait a minute! When will I get out?”   The judge replied, “Sooner or later.”  

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab, they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you one wish each,” the genie said.   Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, “I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries.” And, poof, he was gone.   The junior manager couldn’t keep quiet. He shouted, “I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, food and cocktails.” And, poof, he was gone.   Finally, it was the boss’s turn.   “I want those idiots back in the office after lunch.”  

The dying penny pincher told his doctor, lawyer and pastor, “I have $90,000 under my mattress. At my funeral I want each of you to toss an envelope with $30,000 into the grave.” And after telling them this, he died.   At the funeral, each threw his envelope in the grave. Later, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”   The doctor admitted, “I needed $20,000 for new equipment at the hospital, so I only had $10,000 in the envelope.”   “Gentlemen, I’m shocked that you would blatantly ignore this man’s final wish,” said the lawyer. “I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”  

Jim’s doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left. “All I want,” Jim tells his beloved wife, “is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon.” Which is exactly what they did.   But after four hours of blissful romance, she announces that she’s tired and wants to go to sleep.   “Oh, come on,” Jim whispers in her ear.   “Look,” his wife snaps, “I’ve got to get up in the morning.   You don’t!”  

Up in heaven, the pastor was shown his eternal reward. To his disappointment, he was given only a small shack. But down the street he saw a taxi driver being shown a lovely estate with gar¬ dens and pools.   “I don’t understand it,” the pastor said. “My whole life, I served God with everything I had and this is all I get, while a mere cabby is given a mansion?”   “It’s quite simple,” St. Peter said. “When you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed.”  

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish. The man said, “I wish you’d build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive over there anytime.”   The genie frowned. “I don’t know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. “Just think of the logistics. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, the steel! Why don’t you pick something else?”   The man thought for a while and then said, “Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women—what they’re thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy.”   The genie was silent for a minute, then said, “So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?”  

On business in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to learn they will be executed, though none of them can recall what they did to deserve it. The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words. “I’m from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants the man alive and let him go.   The second man is strapped in. “I’m from Harvard Law School, and believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this man’s side, so they let him go.   The last man says, “Well, I’m an electrical engineer from MIT, and you’re not electrocuting anybody if you don’t connect those two loose wires down there.”  

😅An older father noticed his son’s Viagra tablets in the medicine cabinet. “Could I try one?” he asked. “Sure,” his son said, “but make the most of it.   Each of those pills costs ten bucks.”   His dad was shocked by the price. “Don’t worry,” he promised, “I’ll pay you back.”   The next morning the son found an envelope under his breakfast plate. Inside was $110.   “Dad,” he said, “that pill only cost $10.”   “I know,” his father said, smiling. “The ten is from me. The hundred is from your mother.”  😂😂

Did you hear about the doctor who went on a ski trip and got lost on the slopes? He stamped out "help" in the snow, but nobody could read his writing.  

😅On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.   When they got up to leave,   Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered,   “Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?”  😅😅

😅😅😅😅😅😅 During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.   “I was just asking her a question,” the boy said.   “If you have a question, ask me,” the teacher tersely replied.   “Okay,” he answered. “Do you want to go out with me Friday night?”   😅😅😅😅😅😅