Laugh Out Loud

Albert comes home, plops down in front of the TV and says to his wife, “Quick! Get me a beer before it starts.” She rolls her eyes and brings him a beer.   Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer. It’s going to start any minute now.”   His wife is furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Sit in front of that television drinking beer? You have to be the world’s laziest, most—”   He interrupts her with a heavy sigh. “Well,” he says. “It’s started.”  

A homeless beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in Beverly Hills and moaned, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”   The woman looked at him, sighed and said, “I wish I had your willpower.”  

Bob and Bill fly to Alaska for a fishing trip. They hire a bush pilot and rent a boat, rods and tackle. After two weeks, they’ve caught only one small salmon.   “Man, Bill,” Bob says. “Do you realize this lousy fish cost us about $2,000 apiece?”   “Wow,” Bill replies. “At that rate, it’s a good thing we only caught one.”  

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.   Later, he offered her a cigarette. “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again.   On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.   “Okay,” his date replied.   “What will you tell your Sunday school class?” he asked, shocked.   “The same thing I always tell them. ‘You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a good time.’ ”  

A young woman was describing her date to a friend. “After dinner,” she said, “he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that.”   “Then what happened?” asked her friend.   “He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,” the young woman responded.   “He didn’t weaken your resolve, did he?” the friend asked.   “Not a bit. In the end, we went back to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry.”  

Young man, where do you work?” the judge asked the defendant.   “Here and there,” said the man. “What do you do for a living?” “This and that.”   “Take him away,” said the judge. The man said, “Wait a minute! When will I get out?”   The judge replied, “Sooner or later.”